Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.
Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity.
Understanding IS the beginning of healing.
Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating. After you finish reading this page you will find a link for those general signs of infidelity.
But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
Let's begin here.
One kind of affair I write about in my e-book is called, "My Marriage Made Me Do It."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.
2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior!
3. Don't believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom.
4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all.
5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded.
6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce.
Does this fit your situation?
Do you see the importance of understanding in-depth the signs of infidelity. Once you do, you will have many more options available that will help you break free.
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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The Fear of Expressing Anger
There is much to learn from anger, yet many people are
afraid of this feeling because they don't know how to
express anger in ways that are helpful rather than harmful.
I teach a process at my weekend Inner Bonding workshops
called "The Anger Process." This powerful process, which is
described below, is not only for releasing pent-up anger in
harmless ways, but for discovering what your responsibility
is in any conflict with another person.
Often, when I describe this process in a workshop, some
people get anxious and want to leave. They are afraid of
anger and of expressing their anger. This is invariably
because they come from a family where one or both of their
parents or other caregivers were angry in a mean, violent
way – a way that caused harm to others. These people are so
afraid of being like their mother or father that they
repress their anger, taking it out on themselves instead of
others.
Neither dumping anger on others nor repressing it and taking
it out on oneself is healthy. Anger expressed in these ways
is about controlling rather than learning. Venting anger on
another is about controlling through intimidation and blame.
Anger dumped on oneself is about controlling feelings that
are harder to feel than anger, such as fear, anxiety,
loneliness, or helplessness over others.
Anger is an important emotion. It is here to tell us
something, to teach us how we are thinking or behaving that
is not in our highest good. You may have been taught that
other people's behavior causes your anger, yet this is
generally not true. Others may behave in ways that you don't
like, but your anger at them is frequently a projection of
how you are not taking care of yourself – a way to control
them rather than take care of yourself.
It's important to differentiate between blaming anger and
justified anger, which is really outrage. Outrage is the
feeling we have when there is injustice, such as seeing
someone abuse a child. Outrage moves us to take appropriate,
loving action in our own or others behalf.
Blaming anger comes from feeling like a victim and gets us
off the hook from having to take personal responsibility for
ourselves. This anger does not lead to learning or to
healthy action.
The anger process is a way of expressing anger that leads to
learning and growth. When people in my workshop want to
leave rather than do the process, I explain to them that it
is very important for them to reassure the frightened child
within that this anger is not like their father's or
mother's anger – it is not being expressed with the intent
to control. It is being expressed with the intent to learn.
The Anger Process is a three-step process:
1) Fully express anger toward a person you are presently angry
with (not in their presence!). You can yell, call names,
kick something, and pound with fists on a pillow or with a
bat, but you cannot harm yourself or anyone else.
2) Ask yourself who this person reminds you of in the past –
parent, teacher, sibling, friend - and then let the angry
part of you again fully express the anger.
3) Finally - and this is the most important part - allow the
angry child within to express his or her anger at you, the
adult, for any ways you are not taking care of yourself in
this conflict, or any ways you are treating yourself badly.
Step Three is the most important part, because it brings the
issue home to personal responsibility. If you just do the
first two parts, you are left feeling like an angry victim.
The anger that comes from being a victim is a bottomless pit
and will never lead to learning and resolution.
Once you understand that you can express your anger with an
intention to learn, your fear of your own anger will go
away. You don't have to repress your anger in order to not
be like your parents. You can express it harmlessly in The
Anger Process and learn about what your anger is trying to
tell you.
Top 10 Ideas To Revive a Fizzling Relationship
Top 10 Ideas To Revive a Fizzling Relationship
?Copyright 2005 Micheline
Love is exciting, and when a relationship is new, almost
everything you do together is fresh and alive, and keeps
you enthralled. Then time begins to pass, and while the
love is still there, the relationship may have lost some of
its sparkle, whether it's because you now have a family
or not. Here are some of the top 10 ideas to revive a
fizzling relationship that might just put some of the
bubble back into the champagne of your life.
1. Do something unexpected. Send your partner
flowers at work. That applies to men, too! Or take them
out for dinner on a weeknight.
2. What lit your fire to start with? Strike the match
again, by duplicating that initial moment you fell in love
with your partner, and be sure to tell them why you've
created this just for them.
3. Communicate. If you find it hard to say things, try
surprising your better half with notes in their lunch, on
their pillow, in the car, etc. Often the written word opens
other doors.
4. Make time just for you. And don't break the date!
Book babysitters ahead or clear your work calendar so
there is nobody on it but the other person.
5. Get out of the rut!-literally. Take your partner
somewhere new, and alone. Even if it's just a cabin on
the lake. Rediscover each other all over.
6. Find something you like about your partner, every
day. Then tell them what it is.
7. Find a shared interest. Explore new hobbies,
sports, or other interests that you both like, and can
participate in together.
8. Accept your partner's faults. Then admit your
own. Make an effort not to keep repeating them out of
laziness or habit.
9. Get physical. Touch your partner. In compassion,
sympathy, friendship, and sexual attraction. Let them
know that you are there.
10. Make promises, and keep them. Slip a note into
their wallet or purse that says what is being served for
dinner tonight, and promise that dessert will be worth
waiting for!
Micheline says, if you're still in love, there is always hope.
Visit http://www.MoreRomanceInYourLife.com for 37
more tips to revive your love life.
